be asleep by 10:30pm; luckily i have ambien to help.
get up at 2:30am to pump. thankfully my husband will be taking care of the baby all night. anders still wakes up every 4 hours and even if he didn’t, i’d still have to get up to pump. it’s been over 4 months since i’ve slept more than 6 consecutive hours. so sad.
get up at 6:30am so i can get to work early and leave at a decent time so i have more time with anders before he goes to bed.
so much changes when you have a baby. it’s totally worth it, but it certainly doesn’t mean it’s easy.
the past 2 days at work have been really rough for me. it’s an extremely busy time so i’m overwhelmed and working long hours, while the only place i want to be is home with my baby. i always knew i couldn’t be a stay at home mom; i need health insurance (due to preexisting conditions i can’t get it on my own) and we just can’t afford to live on one income. it sucks. even though i knew i’d have to be a working mother, i never imagined it to be this hard. i’ve been back over a month and i’m still crying several days a week. i’ve been able to keep it together while at the office….until today.
it sucks to have to sit in a vacant office twice a day and pump. it’s usually the only quiet time i have and all i can think about is how i should be at home feeding anders. as if that’s not bad enough, i’m usually rushing because i am so busy and don’t want to stay late. and then it happened. i spilled 5 oz of freshly pumped milk. all i could do was sit down, stare at the milk, and cry. i could care less about the milk, i just couldn’t keep it together.
i keep telling myself that this is how it has to be and it will get easier, but it’s not. i just want to be at home raising my child. my husband, mother, and mother in law spend more time with him during the week than i do. it’s killing me. i don’t know what to do. i don’t have many options.
i just read this post from dear baby about her 6 day old baby boy and started crying (in my cubicle). i’ve been meaning to write about my maternity leave and how i’ve been struggling being back at work, but frankly, i just don’t have the time. i have so much to say and want to properly convey what i am going through. i’ll find time soon but in the meantime i’ll leave you with this…
caring for my son has been by far the most enjoyable and natural experience of my life; however, the emotional aspect of parenting has been very difficult for me to handle.